By Kyle Young
Students are in for a treat this week when special guest lecturer Zen Master Ooh comes to campus. Master Ooh is giving a presentation to students on the chi of that most primal human past-time, sex.
In particular, Master Ooh will address the concerns of the female campus population as Bermuda Shorts Day approaches, as many are worried that their partners might be too inebriated to practise the traditional final rites of this much hallowed celebration.
"The first problem most women have is that their environment is not conducive to the chi of hot throbbing cock," reveals Master Ooh. "This stifles the male chi, and results in the premature eruption of his hard, stiff and swollen member."
In his landmark book The Tao of Schlong, Master Ooh outlines several variations on traditional Feng Shui techniques to ensure better flow of sexual energies.
"I always recommend a Velvet Elvis in the far left corner of the bedroom," explains master Ooh. "Of course, if you can find one that has gyrating hips, that’s an obvious plus."
According to Master Ooh, the chi–known by some as the vibe or the funk–of a velvet Elvis is highly conductive to male endurance.
"If [the velvet Elvis] fails to remedy the situation, it’s always good practise to dress a Tickle Me Elmo in leather fetish wear and hide him under the bed, facing south. This technique allows women to climax sooner, and when combined with the Velvet Elvis, almost never fails."
Master Ooh is also planning to talk on some of his favorite and most conducive positions and partner combinations.
"Bamboo makes for an excellent source of energetic chi," remarks Ooh. "However, on the advice of my lawyer, I’m not going to specify what I think you should do with it. Of course, many experienced practitioners of these techniques also resort to using the animals of their birth year. I, for example, was born in the year of the pig." (Ed-note: Master Ooh’s lawyer later contacted the Gauntlet to advise us that Master Ooh does not suggest those born in the year of the dragon or tiger follow this particular advice.)
Among the milder topics of master Ooh’s lecture are condom colours and how they relate to the various forms that the chi of the experience may take.
"More than anything else, I must caution against rainbow-colored condoms," warns Master Ooh. "The myriad of chi emitted by this variety often confuses the female sex drive and distracts her from reaching climax, and it also encourages men to think experimentally, and can often result in positions that are either unconducive to chi or just plain dangerous."