Buenos días mis amigos, mi llamo Bitey the magical tapeworm. I’m well travelled,
so to speak, and I’ve seen places you’ll probably only dream about-cavernous,
hidden environs no God-fearing man dares to speak about. When the Gauntlet’s
Sports Editor, Dale Miller, brought me back from my home sweet home in sunny
Mexico, I thought I’d complete the cultural exchange by offering you a little
piece of my homeland that isn’t neither intestinal nor parasitic.
Mi casa es su casa. So, it’s time for Mexican candy! I’m like a parasitic piñata.
Moritas by Ricolino
"gomas de pectina gragedas sobores fresa, limon, naraja y mora"
Verdicto: First off, I’ve got to come out and say that, speaking
as an intestinal worm, these are not the most appetizing looking candies. Though
the fruit mascot on the front looks to be some kind of berry high on copious
amounts of Central American amphetamines, the candies look more like globs of
goo covered in fish eggs.
Now, far be it for me to criticize an egg sack, but I certainly don’t want to
have any microorganisms lurking in my stomach. The irony alone would be enough
to kill me.
That said, they’re good, and it seems to me that anything this loaded with sugar
and sour flavouring would be enough to kill anything stupid enough to consume
it. Though the heat in Dale’s luggage has fused them into indistinguishable
masses of chalky eggs and goo, each candy offers a new burst of flavour as sharp
as a crudely fashioned shiv in a dank, forgotten Mexican prison.
I can’t say I love the chalky eggs, but I’d be willing to pass pincers for a
taste this sharp.
Dulci Gomas by Ricolino
"mas suaves y con jugo de fruitas"
Verdicto: Soft as the lining of your small intestine, melt in your mouth
glucosa goodness. Subtle would be one way of describing the taste, bland would
be another.
When Dale bites into sugar I intend to digest and excrete, I want my primitive
digestive system to be overcome by flavour. The orange isn’t bad, but acidic
citrus is bad for my mucous lining.
Choco-Retas by Ricolino
Verdicto: There seems to be a recurring theme with these candies,
perhaps there’s an efficiency to the egg design the rest of North America has
yet to appreciate. Choco-Retas bear this theory out, having now taken the reigning
position in the pantheon of minty chocolate confections.
Where Americans would crassly mix mint and chocolate together without respect
for their individual characterisitics, Ricolino has decided instead to encase
chocolate in a pure mint shell. The result? A mix that is as balanced as the
trade between Mexico and the benevolent United States.
(Note for intestinal parasites: the cooling rush also makes the intestinal fluids
more refreshing. It’s like a cool mountain stream filled with enzymes.)
Swinkles by Lucaswords
"tiritas enchiladas sabor [mango or chamoy]"
Verdicto: It’s candy, covered in chile. Mexican? Yes. Tasty? Lord no.
Would you smear curry over a brownie? Fill a chocolate bar with garlic? Can
we expect onion-flavoured gummies in the coming years? No, because here candy
manufacturers have more sense.
That’s it, I’m an expatriate. I can’t imagine living in a place that makes candy
this bad. Also, it gives Dale the runs, and that’s an experience no one wants—least
of all me.
Huevitos Estrellados by Gomilogas
"Gomitas de Grenetina"
Verdicto: There’s something comforting in this candy, it reminds me of
my childhood. The journey through Dale’s luggage has congealed this mass of
gummy eggs into something resembling my gooey larval stage… oh, memories.
These Huevitos have a more pronounced citrus kick than their American counterparts,
not bad when they come pre-chewed. I’ve eaten worse, and you know exactly what
I mean.
Larval mints, chile-covered gummies and intestinal cramps the likes of which
you might never live to see again. We’ve had a good time mi amigos, keep in
touch.