Unpopular man available to hangout anytime

By Brent Constantin

Third-year University of Calgary development studies student and social outcast Mark O’Shea formally announced Nov. 16 that he was up for anything this weekend.

O’Shea, who during his tenure at the school has made few friends and attended a sparse amount of group activities by invitation, made the heart-breaking declaration to a collection of classmates before they were able to leave the vicinity.

“I’ve got a few things I need to get done earlier in the day,” O’Shea lied. “But after that’s done I’m clear to party it up!”

After adding the phone numbers of those peers who made eye-contact, sadly doubling the contact list in his Motorola razr, O’Shea promised that he would “send them a text later to see what is up.”

Martha Appell is in several classes with O’Shea and felt that while there might be a chance his constant requests for social interaction could be granted in the future, it doesn’t appear likely.

“I might call him up to go to a Sunday matinee or something,” Appell said. “If no one ever found out about it.”

O’Shea has reportedly cleared his schedule of any other commitments to ensure that he is free for the foreseeable future in the event anyone is interested in chilling, chillaxing or just taking it easy for a bit.

“There’s a few clubs I’d really been meaning to check out,” said O’Shea, who typically drinks three bottles of raspberry flavoured cider each night before falling asleep at 9:30 p.m. “I like to stick with the bars I know most of the time.”

O’Shea, who can list all the episodes of the science fiction program Battlestar Galactica but is unable to name three people he has had a conversation with in the last week that has surpassed three minutes, spent a large portion of Friday night checking his phone for missed calls after repeatedly going to the bathroom to apply more dippity-doo brand hair gel in anticipation of a night-on-the-town.

“Oh, hey Mark. What’s up?” said Chris Henderson, after accidentally dialing O’Shea’s number which he had been pressured into letting his classmate program in his phone. “Oh, no. I’m not up to too much. That music and talking in the background is just the TV. No, I’m pretty tired I think I’m going to turn it off soon. Oh, my battery is dieing Mark I-“

As of press time O’Shea was considering if he had purchased the incorrect brand of Axe Body Spray and that first thing tomorrow he would try Dark Temptation.