Every day is April Fool’s day here in the Academic Probation section. Everyday except for April 1st. Counter intuitive to our innate immaturity, juvenile crassness and knack for not getting it quite right, the AP section treats April Fool’s Day with more respect than our patron saint Rodney Dangerfield.
It is our pleasure- Nay, obligation- to, on this holy day of pranking, share with readers our timeless knowledge of gags gone wrong.
The following cases are meant to serve as a warning to anyone who thinks they have the prank to end all pranks. It is this amateur naïvety that will turn your joke from legendary to well, not very legendary at all.
Saran Wrap Shitter
The prank: Cover toilet with shrink wrap
Why you think it should work: This classic April Fool’s Day prank theoretically leaves all your roommates (aka your parents) poop-stained when they try and drop a funny on the offending morning.
Why it won’t: You will probably forget what you did in your daily morning whiskey haze and that will leave the wrong legs brown.
Psychedelic Souperstar
The prank: Spike parent’s soup with LSD
Why you think it should work: Think of the dirt you will have on your parents after you punch up that shitty sludge they try and force on you every dinner time and they let slip tales of their glory days.
Why it won’t: Like they’ve never tripped before . . . You’ll be stuck trying to explain where you got the goods. Stupid.
Dead and Alone
The prank: Fake your own death
Why you think it will work: Simple, elegant, brilliant really. This is the stuff of epic fiction.
Why it won’t: Nobody cares about you and your ridiculous “life.” The only person who’ll be remotely shocked or sad over this turn of events will be you. Dogs will pee on your grave and laugh to themselves about it.
Steampunk Makeover
The prank: Redecorate girlfriend’s room with Steampunk theme
Why you think it will work: More effort translates into more reward, right? And steampunk is nothing if not a meticulous aesthetic, and one that should leave the target profoundly confused and amazed. Get ready for a wacky steam-powered hummer.
Why it won’t: Steampunk? Really? Get ready to end up not only humiliated, but also girlfriendless.
The Long and Jort of it
The prank: Cut everyone’s jeans into jean shorts (jorts)
Why you think it will work: I’ve been meaning to tell you, you have an unhealthy obsession with terrible clothing, man.
Why it won’t: Seriously, jorts are awful. And how about that scarf you love so much? I mean, what are you thinking?
In the Army Now
The prank: Ironically enlist in the army
Why you think it will work: Ain’t nobody gonna see that one coming, you rail-thin dandy.
Why it won’t: Technically pretty shocking for the first five minutes, but more shell-shocking for the next five years, if you make it that long.
The Muddy Milkshake
The prank: Poop in your friend’s milkshake
Why you think it will work: Poop! In a milkshake! POOP!
Why it won’t: He’ll probably like it too much. Just look at him. Look at the lust in his eyes.
GaGa Curlies
The prank: Shave picture of Lady GaGa in to your pubes
Why you think it will work: Nothing confuses the issue of sex quite like the visage of a post-sexual icon sneering out over your coital zone.
Why it won’t: Face it, your girlfriend probably has a crush on Lady GaGa, because everyone does. You don’t want your pubes to be the star of the genital show.
BS BSD
The prank: Tell students that the Students’ Union applied too late for a liquor license and BSD is dry
Why you think it will work: Because you are a narcissistic student journalist whose fitful delusions have you convinced that your finger is on the pulse and people are gonna freak about this shit.
Why it won’t: Nobody reads anymore. What is this, 1735?