Police riding dinos

By Jordyn Marcellus

The world is going to collapse under the weight of its own problems soon enough. The current federal election was nothing more than a shuffling of the deck chairs on the Hindenberg, the world economy has gone to hell thanks to American deregulatory efforts and thousands have lost their livelihoods in what could be the next Great Depression. These are but pittances considering the current situation in children’s toys– Hasbro has unleashed Kota the Dinosaur, a 40-inch life-size robotic baby triceratops. With the release of this toy come Christmas, we are one step closer to the hell that is Jurassic Park.


All children love dinosaurs. There’s a reason why The Land Before Time has 37 sequels– dinos are rad. Kota himself is a cute little guy who can realistically eat, play jungle sounds or adventure music from his back and can even squawk in resp onse to a child’s touch. Children should fear dinosaurs, not ride them. The future budding scientists of the world will now want to clone those terrible lizards back into existence.


This is a scary prospect for those who live their life according to films like Jurassic Park. We’ve seen quite forcefully what happens when dinosaurs are brought back from the dead. If Kota becomes popular and children demand real dinosaurs– and the free market entrepreneurs figure out how to clone them, as they are wont to do– then we’ll have dinos running around our cities, being domesticated as pets and pack animals. Ankylosauruses would be used in South American countries to carry luggage to far off mountainous regions. While that would be a cool prospect for some, what would become of horses? If we domesticate velociraptors, policemen would no longer need to ride horses. They’d just patrol the streets on the backs of raptors. Of course this would reduce crime, but at the same time we’d be a populace living in fear. It would be worse than living in Orwell’s 1984. Without the dinosaurs, people can get away in cars or at least try to take a hostage. But when the raptors learn how to turn the door knobs, dissenters are good and proper fucked. Stephen Harper would love it– no one would commit crime for fear of raptors.


Let’s stop worrying about global warming. We’ve got bigger fish to fry now. We need to demand Hasbro recall Kota the Dinosaur from store shelves. They know not what horrible Pandora’s Box they are helping to open. While children will be sad that their little dinosaur buddy is being burned on a pyre, it’s in the best interest of humanity.