Greetings and McSalutations, dear visitor!
We truly appreciate your interest in joining the fast-growing community that is McDonaldland, and I sincerely hope this letter will address your concerns. Though I regret the impersonality inherent in form letters such as these, the sheer volume of inquiries we receive necessitates their use.
Firstly, let me assure you that your investment in McDonaldland real estate is a sound one. Despite some minor market fluctuations, most reputable sources rank us in the top five per cent for both desirability and potential growth, and our recent success in lobbying Governor Nuggetbuddy’s cabinet means that our essential services will be second to none. Schools, hospitals and our numerous McChildhood Trauma Counseling Centres will receive the bulk of the benefits, but we are also dedicated to ensuring local artists and athletes have the resources they need to promote McDonaldland throughout the nation.
Diversity has long been a matter of pride in McDonaldland, and our cultural tapestry is becoming more vibrant with each passing day. As you may be aware, our city has the second-highest concentration of anthropomorphic foods in the tri-state area. This unique position is reflected in our wide variety of civic events, running the gamut from the annual Fry-Guy Coalition Funtacular FUNdraiser each January to the Filet-o’-Ice-Fishing derby held mid-December.
Fewer people realize that McDonaldland is also a haven where other cultures, from giant purple monsters to grotesque humanoid birds, can live together in peace. Nowhere else in America will you find such a range of people, food products and talking shoes living, working and playing together, and McDonaldland is truly proud of our citizens in this respect.
At this point I would like to respond to certain allegations put forth on the popular newsmagazine show 60 Minutes. On a segment that aired July 2, 2005, titled “Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions on a Scandal Seed Bun” it was stated that “McDonaldland has more [sex] offenders on a per-capita basis than any other American city.” This is a blatant falsehood, made all the worse by the ease with which 60 Minutes could have verified the claim.
McDonaldland, as all of our citizens can confirm, is one of the safest, happiest, most magical communities in America. We are not without our share of problems, but what city couldn’t say the same? Had the media not made such a farce of the Hamburglar trial, sensationalizing it based on the tastiness of the victims, that case would be no more noteworthy than the thousands of trials going on across the country.
More specifically related to the 60 Minutes special, I assure you that each and every citizen receives a full listing of registered offenders, as is their legal right. The charge that our registry is the largest nationwide is ludicrous–while it is admittedly quite long, there are surely several cities with comparable statistics.
Once again, I would like to thank you for your interest in one of the friendliest, most diverse and just plain happiest communities in this great nation. As we in McDonaldland often say (if you’ll pardon the pun), we can’t wait to meat you!
Yours in sesame-seedery,
Mayor Reginald G. McCheese, Esq.
PS-Please note that our town slogan, “I’m Loving It,” has been changed to “I’m Respecting Both It And The Laws Established To Protect Its Interests” and all future correspondences and marketing materials will reflect this change.