By Greg Ellis
“That depends on what your definition of the word is, is.”
– President Bill Clinton
In 1998, during the scandal that a saw a nation realize the curvature of its president’s penis, the world encountered some of the most clever uses of language witnessed since Shakespeare. Since then, new developments have been made in political lexicon from Rumsfeld, to Bush and back. The language of politics has never been so obtuse and meaningless. Here is a helpful guide compiled on current buzzwords and phrases.
‘My campaign is about telling the truth.’
No political campaign is about telling the truth. Not now, not then, and not 50 years from now. The truth is to politics what cold fusion is to physics: a great idea, but never possible. Weapons of mass destruction, Iraq and Al-Qaeda, the truth my friend is wandering somewhere between Alaska and Georgia. Lost, most certainly never to be found.
Awe
Proper respect showed to CEO’s earning 500 times what you earn.
CEOs
Modern heroes of our time. Able to dismiss 60,000 employees summarily and be applauded for their business acumen by said dismissed employees. (See Awe)
Conservative
The only intelligent political ideology and the proper road to Babylon. Reactionary, no. Loud, yes. The relationship between stupidity and loudness is inversely proportional. The louder I am, the less stupid I sound and the more right I become. (See Bill O’Reilly)
Government contract
Most valuable financial instrument known to man. No bidding permitted, usually awarded to Haliburton. (See Corruption)
Family values
Multi-purpose device. Introduced whenever difficult questions arise about war, taxation or government spending. Impossible to define, family values are the mathematical equivalent of dividing by zero. Whenever in doubt, or if criticized, talk about family values.
Liberal
Anything and everything weak, flimsy, silly or French. A dying cause reserved for feeble minded university columnists.
Money
Most valuable thing known to man. Lights the path to perdition and to heaven. Value designated by fiat or decree by emperor. Can be laundered. (See Liberal Party of Canada)
War
Necessary extension of capitalism and growth. No two democratic states have ever declared war against each other. Spread democracy by carpet bombing country until it has as many McDonalds as it does mosques.
Bill O’Reilly
Most intelligent man alive today, possibly the messiah. Never wrong, always right, always on message. If he is ever wrong, check if hell has frozen over.
Election
Starts as a promising Broadway musical but always ends as a Shakespearean tragedy. Victory usually belongs to the one who could make more extravagant empty promises. Can be purchased, if price is right. (See Michael Bloomberg)
Confusion
“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.”
– Donald Rumsfeld
Gun control
Dangerous idea analogous to communism.
Stupidity
(See Liberal)
Poor, The
Unfortunate byproduct of wealth creation.
Weapons of mass destruction
Theoretical term, taken too seriously by mainstream media. Meant as a play on words or a figure of speech.
CNN
Dangerous corporation that does not take orders well. Has much to learn from Fox.
Liberal Party of Canada
(See Corruption)
Corruption
Necessary check on idealism and inflation. Signifies a mature and developed nation prone to democratic self-government. Always to be treated with disgust and contempt in public but embraced privately. (See Government Contract)
Economics
The non-science that thought it could. Designs models that assume conditions otherwise impossible. When model becomes flawed a new model is created. Process repeats indefinitely.
Advertising
The very foundation of nationalism, culture and personal identity. Only method to beat the terrorists. You get the point.
Neo-conservatism
God’s answer to a political ideology. Perfect and unwavering in its commitment to ignorance and the healing power of death.
China
World’s next major superpower, providing it does not execute the majority of its citizens.
John Kerry
Loser.
Dick Cheney
Second most intelligent man alive today. Has identity issues as he is usually in a safe and undisclosed location. Angry at those hurting America–champion of the oil industry.
Scandal
Necessary check on prosperity and happiness. Overblown by CNN and usually forgotten within 10 business days. Requires ostensible shows of outrage and disgust.
Micheal Bloomberg
Current mayor of New York City who successfully purchased his office for $73 million U.S. (See Election)
Freedom
To be solely and exclusively bought, distributed and marketed by America. Commensurate with net worth–true freedom starts somewhere in the vicinity of $10 million. Currently, being test-marketed unsuccessfully in Iraq.