Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) This week is going to be trouble for you. If you’re currently with someone special, your bungling and constant inane babble will inevitably drive them away. If you’re single, expect to remain that way for years to come. Also, your best friend is lying to you about something really important. It might not be a bad idea to betray them in a fundamental way. On a lighter note, your mom has been diagnosed with cancer, but is afraid to tell you.
Taurus (Apr. 20- May 20) Those born under the sign of Taurus’ are known for their generosity and simple mindedness. This is not a strength. Be especially careful of work relationships, but things aren’t much better in your personal life. Virtually everybody who knows you is currently taking advantage of your idiotic nature. Your boss is thinking about firing you, but wants to wait until your birthday.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21) This Monday at 7 p.m. you will be killed in a horrible accident. Don’t try to stay sheltered at home because no matter what you do, your fate is sealed. If you’re eating a snack, you’ll choke to death. If you’re doing nothing, you’ll have a painful brain aneurism. You get the idea. It’s time to think about doing some extremely horrible things to your enemies. Unless you find a high publicity way to take a few people with you, virtually no one will remember anything about you.
Cancer (Jun. 22-Jul. 22) Wake up, Cancer! People can see right through you. You’re not fooling anyone. Just last week, two people saw you scratch your ass in Mac Hall. They pointed at you and laughed behind your back. This week things will only get worse. Also, your parents never told you, but you’re adopted. Your real mother was a 14-year-old junkie prostitute. No matter how hard you try, eventually you’ll find yourself in her shoes. Good luck!
Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22) Good news Leo! Either Tuesday morning or Saturday evening you will meet your future spouse. Your courtship will be short, as this person will seem almost perfectly matched to you. As is the case with such things, this illusion will become all too apparent over the slow course of time. After the divorce, there will be a brief period where you feel that anything is possible. Unfortunately by then it will be too late for you. Old, obese and utterly miserable, you will spend your dwindling years alone working one dead-end job after another to pay child support for children that don’t respect or love you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Beware STDs! Although you are safe from contracting any new diseases this week (or any other–I’m afraid your sex days are over), I hate to tell you that you already have more than one. Go get yourself tested, since only your doctor can help you now. You might find solace in watching inordinate amounts of reality TV, but you’d be better off slowly drinking yourself to death.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Some people in your life are planning a huge practical joke at your expense. People you think are your friends are only acting to gain your trust. They feel this will make your humiliation that much more complete when they finally spring their trap. They are correct. However, you can prevent all this by immediately cutting yourself off from the world. Tell all the people you know to go to hell and scream obscenities at strangers who try to talk to you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You will hear from an old fling sometime later on this week, perhaps Friday. They will tell you that they cheated on you with your best friend the entire time you were dating and that you were the worst lover they ever had. Also, you can expect to be nominated for some sort of prize or contest. Don’t let yourself be convinced that you will win, as this will only make it more acutely painful when you lose by a large margin.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Three words: Mad Cow Disease. Sorry, I know this is bad news and you didn’t expect to read it here, but this week you will start to exhibit the first symptoms of your lengthy, debilitating and ultimately fatal illness. You will eventually lose all but the most primitive brain functions and possibly even control of your bowels, but what else is new. After you are gone your name will be uttered in contempt by ranchers in this province, as you will long be remembered as the final nail in the coffin of Alberta’s troubled cattle industry. However, south of the border ranchers will briefly be thankful to you before forget- ting your name all together. Congrats.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Your constant self doubt and low self esteem–though justified as they are–are really getting on the nerves of people around you. Capricorns are renowned for their ability to endure long painful periods. Do your part to keep this tradition alive, because we’re all sick and tired of your constant blatting on about how miserable you are. You bring people down. Try to talk about what’s nagging you less, and try bottling your feelings up inside of you more.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Happy Birthday Aquarius! Your coworkers will show how much they care by thoughtfully throwing you a big surprise birthday party. Don’t fret when they get the day wrong and spell your name incorrectly on the banner. Although you won’t know most of the guests and people will keep calling you “Larry,” the food will be catered from an expensive restaurant downtown. Your boss will bitch about the cost and it will end up coming out of your paycheck. Nobody will get you any presents. Also, your family will not remember your birthday.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You have reason to celebrate Pisces! You are about to come into a large inheritance. A house, two cars, furniture, and two separate bank accounts will all come into your hands later this month. At first you will be unsure of what to do with your newfound wealth. Luckily the bank will make your decision for you, since before their deaths in a tragic skiing accident, your parents were thoughtful enough to amass nearly three quarters of a million dollars in gambling debts. You will have to spend the remainder of your miserable life working to pay off the portion of this debt not covered by the complete liquidation of your parents’ assets–but at least you’ll be independent. Also, later this month your parents will be killed in a tragic skiing accident.