A wishful list for all to have

By Mike Attersall

Football
All we want for Christmas is a new quarterback. Oh, and Coach Fasano needs new mustache clippers.

Field hockey
One giant typhoon to wipe out the West Coast. Oh what a conference it would be without UBC and UVIC. It also wouldn’t hurt to have one more Kelsey Barrie and an Ashley Reaburn too.

Women’s soccer
Higher regulation nets! And a chance to kick that UBC girl in the junk after she grabbed the ball in the crease… Bitch!

Men’s soccer
Wider nets so Matt Houston (the most popular man on campus) can hit those open nets. And please, some baggy pants for Head Coach Andy Gibbs.

Men’s volleyball
One butter-eating Kazakh, and enough game to go along with our cocky attitudes. That way Warren will have something better to write about.

Women’s volleyball
One cup of consistency with a side of finish. Also some tums for the coaches, a mall across from every hotel we stay in on the road, and new buisness cards for Coach Leier that don’t say BJ Services “Stimulation Technician.”

Men’s basketball
Tattoos of everyone’s face under their names. Also, can we trade Fergusaurus for, umm… what’s that dude’s name? Oh yes–Shaq?

Women’s basketball
An added foot of height for Tanya Hautala. Some protective headgear for Tanya Cottrell, and if possible, more free throws for Shari Jonker?

Men’s hockey
A chance to play the Pandas instead of the Golden Bears for the rest of the season. And can every month be October?

Women’s hockey
More coverage from the Gauntlet, please!

Cross-country/Track and field
Got milk? We need plenty of calcium for these brittle bones. We want new singlets that make us look buff. And a redo at nationals. We’ll win this time, we promise!

Wrestling
One national title for all and special protective cups… for some!