All will be beautificated

By Kyle Young

Disclaimer: This is the humour section. We know CPIRG are not really like the Borg, and no, Canada is not putting warnings on religious items. (But Harvey should still get dreadlocks.)

In a move expected to further fan the flames of the Calgary Public Interest Research Group controversy, the quasi-socialist grouping has decided to do something they consider productive while waiting for SU recognition: The Campus Beautification Project.

"Well, we’ve got nothing better to do with our time since everyone seems to be either ignoring us or laughing at us," stated the collective CPIRG hive voice. "Besides, there’s just so much subjective art on this campus. We feel that any art on campus should represent a collective agreement by students as to just what art is."

Although a full plan of CPIRG beautification targets has yet to be released–and is not expected to be completed before the end of the Age of Aquarius–preliminary targets the group has agreed upon seem promising.

"Well, the most obvious thing in need of a makeover is [President Harvey Weingarten’s] haircut," echoed the droning calls of the CPIRG masses. "We mean, the man is in dire need of dreads or something."

Dr. Weingarten could not be reached for comment.

There was also speculation made as to what CPIRG had in store for the new MacEwan Hall. "The thing looks like a warehouse, it needs a touch of green," chanted one half of CPIRG’s collective brain. "Or perhaps large red banners with the motivational slogans of Marx," proclaimed the other half.

Another consideration put forth by CPIRG was to change all signs on campus to the Cyrillic alphabet.

"It is our belief that the Mother Tongue is far more beautiful than our Western alphabet," buzzed a CPIRG spokesdrone.

However, not all campus residents are thrilled with this new CPIRG initiative.

"CPIRG? I thought we killed them!" exclaimed an SLC executive who asked to remain anonymous. "They’re like a hydra! They just won’t stop coming! Where’s McCarthy when you need him?"

Such sentiments of panic and fear are not uncommon among the general public, although some have chosen to take a stand.

"Let those pinko commie bastards come," said campus gardener Ed Wilks. "They’ll have to get past my cold dead body before they touch a leaf on this campus. I didn’t spend half my youth in Vietnam just to let Charlie run all over the place!"

Though there is talk among the Military and Strategic Studies group to set up a trench system around campus, the official response is expected to be less severe.

Faculty have also taken notice. "What? A CPIRG showdown. That’s great," exclaimed economics professor Dr. Wil Holden. "If they lose we can give them all honorary degrees. After all, we only seem to award those to communists who lose cold wars!"