By Valen Zha
In an orgy of drinking, celebration and congratulatory cheer, the Gauntlet staff consumed a record $970 worth of booze and nachos on its annual election night.
"You guys drank us $30 short of a thousand dollars," said incoming Editor-in-Chief Kris Kotarski. "What were you guys thinking and why was I sober?"
For reasons unexplained, both Kotarski and incoming News editor Вen Li garnered 57 percent of the staff vote.
"Writing this story at 1:39 a.m. in the morning after an unknown number of shots at the Den is really interesting," wrote Li in this article. "It’s almost as if my thoughts are being translated onto the page through the keyboard."
Unsuccessful EIC candidate and current Buzz editor James Keller was disappointed with the results but promised to follow through on his campaign promises none the less.
"All that stuff I said about volunteer training and retention, it was bullshit," exclaimed Keller over a pint of Pil. "I just wanted an excuse to waste the paper’s money and drag it down with me."
Veteran news reporter, perpetual winner of the Golden Spatula and News Editor Candidate Joel McNally was understandably disappointed at his defeat.
"I think I had a solid platform and good ideas focusing on volunteers," said McNally. "I wrote the better story in the editing test and I think I have great potential next year."
The evening ended with an enthused Kotarski boxing the Sports pages and an insightful debate with Chris Morrison about the myth of Swiss neutrality.
"Nazi financiers, every man-jack of them," said Morrison who declined further comment.
EIC Mike Leung was confused.
"I did not steal a bar stool from the Den, nor did I steal a pitcher of beer," said Leung. "It was rye and ginger and the pitcher was only half full."
Chief Returning Officer Daorcey Le Bray, and Deputy Returning Officers Rob Granger and Wendy Maloff were noticeably relieved when they announced the results.
What a gong show!