Aries (April 17-May 11)
Richard Nixon is still secretly holding that old grudge against you. Don’t sweat it though, you only gave him what he had coming anyways. You should know that we think you should buy a lottery ticket Friday. You should also know that the lottery board paid us to say that.
Taurus (May 12-June 19)
Forget that orgy you’re invited to, it’s time for you to get your sleep on! Mercury has been in your third house, making you more likely to burn the midnight oil lately. As it moves to your fourth house this week, the time is right to catch up on your shut-eye: you certainly won’t be missing much.
Gemini (June 20-July 18)
You’re the type of person that many people think only exists on TV: all your friends are good-looking, you have funny misadventures every week, and all your problems seem to be resolved in 30 minutes or less. Sod off, you don’t need our help. Lucky bastard.
Cancer (July 19-Aug. 8)
Are you feelin’ lucky? Well you shouldn’t be. If you manage to make it through the week without getting dumped, fired, expelled, stalked, mauled, evicted, arrested, beat up, run over, suspended, disemboweled, robbed, or hit by a train, then you’ll be lucky. Sweet dreams!
Leo (Aug. 9-Sep. 14)
Your aggressive personality and competitive spirit come to the forefront this week as Mars enters your first house. You will have your way this weekend, even if you must resort to an iron-fisted approach to get it. In other words, don’t get into an argument while you’re checking out the armour display at the museum.
Virgo (Sept. 15-Oct. 28)
Neptune is in your sign this week, bringing fortune, adventure, and large marine mammals. Just remember two things: the bull sea lion really is the lion of the sea, and you are not Steve Irwin. Keep your distance, those tusks are not just for show!
Libra (Oct. 29-Nov. 20)
This week, in a burst of stunning focus and insight, everything you’ve been struggling to understand for the last two months suddenly becomes crystal-clear to you. Too bad it will happen 10 minutes after you hand in your confused and incoherent paper. C’est la vie.
Scorpio(Nov. 21-Nov. 27)
Your plan to propose to Jennifer Lopez by sneaking onto the set of her music video will go off without a hitch-because she’s already hitched. Of course, you would know that if you hadn’t cancelled your subscription to People magazine last year.
Ophiuchus (Nov.28-Dec. 15)
Although it’s usually not a good idea to agree to appear on the Jerry Springer show to find out a secret your lover has been keeping from you, this time is the exception. No, really.
Sagittarius (Dec. 16-Jan. 17)
Welcome back to the world of the living! Here’s a quick recap of what you missed while you were out: getting your three new tattoos of names that you don’t recognize,
painting a mural of Tupac Shakur on your bedroom wall in blood, and pulling your hamstring.
Capricorn (Jan. 18-Feb. 13)
Change the date on your watch, February only has 28 days. Yes, that means you have missed two midterms and a job interview, and no, ‘I forgot to change the date on my watch’ is not a university-recognized excuse.
Aquarius (Feb. 14-Mar. 14)
Happy Birthday! Much like fellow aquarians Christopher Walken and Johnny Depp, you are too cool for words. Interpretive dance, on the other hand, does a pretty good job.
Pisces (Mar. 15-Apr. 16)
Things will be looking up as your ship finally comes in this week. You’ll find yourself thinking you might run for office, and that you might even win. Of course, nobody else is running, but it still feels good to win.