Gauntlet appoints new News Editor

By Neal Ozano

From the depths of old-world journalistic integrity has come a beacon for student journalists across the country: Neal Ozano.

Known better for his timeless work at the University of Alberta’s paper, the Gateway, Ozano has been resurrected as the News Editor at your very own paper, the Gauntlet.

Ozano brings three things to the position: experience, age and beauty.

"I’ve been involved in the student press since most of you were in grade 8," commented Ozano from his broken chair behind the dirty news desk in 310 MacEwan Hall. "And I’m one hell of a looker!"

His experience (not that you care) includes the news, opinion, and chief editing positions at the Gateway, as well as three years volunteering previous to that.

"I’ve already told you: I’m much older than God, and have had waaay more jobs than Him. Give me a break, here," he repeated.

He has plans for the news section, though.

"I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony," he quipped, knowing full well that he was so old that nobody would get the reference in that quote. "I’d also like to teach the world, or at least the news volunteers, to write stories at the Pulitzer level."

These workshops will include topics such as vision, which is Ozano’s interpretation of what a news story should be; the lede, which is the first sentence in a news story; and the interview, which is the meat in any good news story.

Later workshops will feature story structure, and finally, self-editing, which is a skill that everyone would do well to learn.

"The thing about news is, it’s really the gateway to the rest of the paper, and the world. The skills you learn in news transfer to every aspect of writing, from filling out McDonald’s applications, to proofreading a doctoral thesis concerning the cure for cancer."

Ozano was later informed that many of the blanks on his McDonald’s application were filled out incorrectly.

Ozano is on display weekdays on floor three of MacEwan Hall, as we already said. Come in and meet him if you dare.
With files from Associated Press