By Ben Perrin
If you’ve ever searched for a cure for insomnia and failed, there is new hope for your sleepless nights: watching the federal Progressive Conservative leadership debates. The five candidates who have tried to dust their political careers off from years of dormancy are an obscure hodgepodge of Mulroney loyalists, lesser-known provincial characters and the supposed odd man out-a left-wing anti-free-trade crusader.
In many ways, this leadership race is the opening act for the “theater of the absurd.” It is quite possibly the first where not a single candidate holds parliamentary office and mimics a third-world political party, going through its fourth leader in just five years.
It’s the kind of lackluster leadership race that makes the lawn bowling channel’s ratings double. With memberships lagging embarrassingly below target and an electoral defeat in Jean Charest’s own riding, it is a shame that the Tories are almost $10 million in debt-still funneling their donors’ funds down the drain.
However, that’s probably all the talk about this race that you can stand, so let’s meet just one of the mismatched candidates, all of whom are more than happy to pour on the river of rhetoric for any passer-by who would stop to listen or offer them pocket change.
We’ve all heard that the front runner is Joe Clark, but why does he think that he’s the one to lead the exacerbated Tories out of the woods?
Clark is quick to remind anyone who, like myself, was still learning not to take candy from strange Tories when he was around, that he is a former Prime Minister of Canada. Clark’s proponents try to describe him as a statesman. His opponents, however, point out that he was only Prime Minister as a summer job. Demonstrating a cavalier attitude toward the opposition in his minority government, Clark lost the government after having held it for as long as only the longest of junior high relationships last. He went on to lose his party’s leadership to the infamous Brian Mulroney, only to bungle the political scene even more with the defunct Charlottetown Accord. Clark’s “leadership” has soured Canada ever since he had his hands on it for less than one year. If the leadership debates do make you fall asleep, thoughts of Clark as Prime Minister must trigger only the most mediocre of bad dreams.
Clark arrogantly declares that “Canadians know my policies” when asked about most major issues. What he forgets, is that the Canadians who remember him recall his endless bungling and recognize that Canada has changed substantially since Clark’s day. Those who can’t remember feel it is their fault, ignore Clark, or run out to read the transcripts of his government in Hansard. For those of you opting for the latter, you might want to look in the “comedy” and “short story” sections of Hansard for the tale of Clark’s government.
His current campaign is based on old-school nostalgia, backbench Members of Parliament, Tory Senators, and who could forget, his daughter Catherine. Clark, it has been said, would likely do anything to get re-elected.
With his wife, Maureen, hiding in the shadows for the duration of the leadership walk, Clark has instead pushed his 20-something blond daughter into the spotlight. A Clark organizer in Ontario was quick to inform me that she is single for those of you who were wondering. By using his daughter as a camera-ready substitute for political policy, Clark keeps the leadership race empty and leaves her open to attacks from the media as well.
Even though platform shoes may have made a comeback from the ’70s and early ’80s, some relics of that era, like Joe Clark, would be better kept in the political attic of Canadian history.
It seems to me that Clark, as leader of the federal Tories would lead the same old band in the same old tune: “The party’s over. It was fun while it lasted, but it ain’t no fun, no more.”
More leadership debates next week? I’d rather punish myself by watching the World Series of lawn bowling-all 24 hours of it.